Having realistic expectations in marriage.

Now I’m a newbie in the area of marriage, having only 3 ½ years behind me, but I want to share just one of the little pearls that I have collected in my wisdom pouch.

That is, having realistic expectations.

Now, I’m a type of person that whatever I set out to do, I try and put my best into it. This often means, spending time, planning, resourcing, stressing or trying to perfect whatever the task is and often ‘overthinking’ a lot of things.

Being in a mode of perfection just isn’t sustainable for me as an individual, neither in my role as a wife.

Trying to appear to your spouse or to others that you have it all together can only set yourself up for disappointment or failure.

So then comes the time to be realistic. Marriage is not work, it isn’t a project, marriage is family. In a sense you reset to how you feel when you’re a kid. Well that’s how I feel no doubt.

What I mean by that is there is a sense of ease that being part of YOUR family brings to your mental state of mind. The ease that you felt as a child should be your state of mind in your marriage. You should feel secure, safe and accepted.

Now being with your family should feel the most comfortable of all environments. Free to truly be yourself.

There are times when you feel like you are just doing the ‘treadmill’ stuff. This being the daily grind, earning the chicken (I don’t eat pork), cleaning baked beans off the floor and comforting screaming children.

Then there are good times like, family days out, date nights, proud achievements and laughs together.

Then there comes, grrr moments the toilet seat left up, socks on the floor, and the disputes. But without these three entwined, it just would not be a marriage.

Balance is key here, too much treadmill and there is a risk of becoming robotic. Too much grrr moments and the house becomes a hostile environment. Can there be too much good times? All play and no work means the important things may not get done and your children might not be learning responsibility.

Home should be the place where AT TIMES (I stress) you can say, ‘I can’t be bothered’. Or in my case, ‘cha! I can’t be bothered’.

Give yourself a break sometimes, if you can’t relax at home, where can you? Your children won’t die if they have a takeaway now and then and if you’re shattered after work, just leave the plates for today.

Give your spouse a break too, things that happen in movies are fictional. If your partner isn’t casting for the next blockbuster don’t put that over them. Don’t compare them to anybody else, as that bring two things, pride or low self-esteem.

You are not on a reality TV, you are reality! I’m learning not to beat myself up if things are sometimes down in my marriage or family, which it will be sometimes.

See your marriage as a living organism that grows and develops. It will grow with your care and nuture. It will also grow through the mistakes and disputes you have and how you learn and adjust from them. I realise that I have not yet ‘reached’ that stage of being a ‘wife indeed’ ( Proverbs 31 ). But my intention is to get there. In my 3^rd year, I have seen how we have both grown together as people and my heart’s desire is to continue in upward growth.

Are having realistic expectations an excuse for laziness in your marriage? Thoughts and comments welcome.

Maz x

Respecting the potential in your spouse

‘You’re not the person I married… You’re even better!’

There’s something wonderful about marriage. It’s designed to bring out the best in each of you. The Proverbs 31 woman, only meant her husband good (Prov 31:12) and husbands are instructed to love and nurture their wives (Ephesians 5:25).

In my previous post I spoke of respecting the potential in yourself.  Now I’m going to (attempt) to explore the importance of respecting the potential of your spouse.

Potential in your spouse needs to be respected, as you have a BIG role to play in helping to release and nurture it.

Now, the marriage relationship is unique because you are (or should be) an expert of your partner. You see the best, worst and innermost parts of them and are most likely to be first to spot the hidden potential in them.

When you are finding your feet and settling down into your marriage, sparks of potential may not seem obvious to the ‘spousal eye’ at first, but give things time. You will begin to notice them more.

If you still don’t see much, have some conversations. Where does their passion lie in terms of kingdom business? Most often than not their area of interest is where their kingdom potential lies.

Identifying the level of support needed to offer your spouse will lie in how they approach everyday tasks.

Are they meticulous or lax when it comes to order in the home? Who takes on the lead when it comes to important decisions? Is your partner a go-getter?

There is no compartmentalisation in our spiritual walk. You will find aspects of our character permeate into everything we do. If your husband/wife is a couch potato I doubt he or she is eager to get busy in the vineyard of the Lord.

So how can you help to bring out that potential?

1) Firstly, pray, pray, pray. Ask God to unlock and release the potential that is in your husband/wife.

2) Be a cheerleader. Adults thrive on positive praise just as much as children. When you see bites and sparks of that potential emerging ‘big it up!’

3) Provide a positive challenge without nagging. This works best by talking and not shouting, making suggestions instead of demands. This is especially for us women! (Proverbs 27:15)

4) Set high expectations for him/her. Don’t let your partner settle for second best when you know that they can reach for more (2 cor 3:18). Now this can range from job expectations, personal presentation, and ministerial callings. This is not to be confused with self-gratification, pride, greed and boasting. It’s about making sure the life of your spouse gives God, maximum glory.

5) Be a stepping stone and not an idol. God desires we put him first, before our spouse. It takes swallowing humble pie, but sometimes we need to realise it’s not all about you and your needs and wants but about what God wants. Don’t risk becoming an idol to your spouse so they end up fulfilling your desires ahead of God’s. We know how God feels about idols (Exodus 20:3-6).

6) Be organic. God has given each of us a particular calling and gift, walk in it, and don’t desire what God hasn’t ordained for your partner. Square pegs don’t fit in round holes.

7 ) Ladies, be a help-meet. If you can identify areas of weakness in your husband that will stop him from fulfilling his potential, your job is to fill that gap. This week I taught fractions, ½ + ½ make a whole. Fill in his missing parts, (being his other half) by offering your help and support to him. Remember, help – meet.

8) Men, take on the lead. You are called to be leaders in the home. Lead by example by first respecting and fulfilling your potential in God. Then you will be in the right position to offer servant leadership to your wife in helping her fulfil her potential.

9) Set your house in order. You cannot be an effective worker in God’s vineyard if you don’t first be effective in your first kingdom calling of being a wife/husband. Make that a priority as that will be your foundation and springboard into enlarging your territory and reaching your full potential in God.

The well-known saying goes that behind every strong man is a strong woman and in front of every strong woman is a strong man.

Start respecting, honouring and appreciating your spouse’s God given potential. Strive for their greater today.

Blessings,

Maz x